Labels: A Love/Hate Relationship

Well, it's been a crazy...er, month, since I posted here last. But hopefully things are getting somewhat back to...well, manageable. ;)

Thanks to numerous conversations both online and in real life, I've been thinking about labels a lot lately. More specifically, about how I wished they worked differently. And more bluntly, I've spent an amount of time wondering if identifying as asexual is a very wrong thing for me to do at this point. What I concluded is what sparked this post.

There are always a lot of threads on AVEN about people who are wondering if they are ace. There was a discussion about prescriptive/descriptive asexual labels, and there was a brief wave of conversation about being to young to identify as ace. One point that some of these things seem to hinge on is the definition of asexuality (or any sexual identity, for that matter) as something that lasts for one's whole life. This is especially ironic given that the "What if it's just a phase" question in AVEN's FAQ encouraged me to change the way I viewed labels. Actually, I think that in general the ace community is much, MUCH better in its view of labels than the rest of society, which is wonderful.

In my experience, there are two main reasons why I feel labels are helpful: personal understanding, and interpersonal communication. The personal part is the part that makes me feel good to have a word that describes what I am and to know that there is a community of people who feel the same. The interpersonal part is the relief of having a jumping-off point when communicating who I am to others. Asexuality is, unfortunately, a label that usually requires a lot of explanation to other people, but at least it is some sort of start.

When I came out to my mother a month ago, she expressed (well, continues to express) a worry that I would box myself in by calling myself asexual. She insisted that A) I'm too young to know for sure, and B) that I should just say that "I don't know yet." I agree that it is extremely possible that I am too young to know my sexuality "for sure," I don't think that point B would be at all more beneficial. In fact, in the environment of high school, it would almost certainly be more difficult to deal with other students by saying "I just don't know."

Many people, my mom included, dislike labels and wish people could just "be." I sympathize with this, but I also think that it is very very difficult to do this in society. But labels can be helpful. When referring to my sexuality, I could explain that I feel no sexual attraction towards other people, find people of all genders but more often women physically nice to look at, and am possibly pan- or aromantic with a dislike for a platonic/romantic/sexual axis interpretation of sexuality, but it's easier to say I am asexual and let people figure the rest out as they get to know me. Likewise, when talking about my gender identity, I could explain that I identify between female and agendered with aspects of masculinity, but it's easier to tell people to use feminine pronouns and to not refer to me a woman. Similar situations affect my racial and religious labels.

My utopia-vision desire for the world is that we didn't have to use labels, that sexuality, gender, race, religion, and other labelled things wouldn't matter as much and could be accepted as they are without needing "labels." My more realistic wish is that there be more acceptance for a "descriptor" interpretation of labels; that people would accept labels as something that describe how we are, not a box that we must fit into forever.

What I've decided to do is to continue to call myself asexual with the understanding that it is a description of how I am now, and however other people wish to interpret labels is up to them. I'm not particularly interested in finding out who I am "100% for sure" at this point. I'd be curious to hear anyone else's views on labels, if you'd like to share!