Well, it's been a crazy...er, month, since I posted here last. But hopefully things are getting somewhat back to...well, manageable. ;)
Thanks to numerous conversations both online and in real life, I've been thinking about labels a lot lately. More specifically, about how I wished they worked differently. And more bluntly, I've spent an amount of time wondering if identifying as asexual is a very wrong thing for me to do at this point. What I concluded is what sparked this post.
There are always a lot of threads on AVEN about people who are wondering if they are ace. There was a discussion about prescriptive/descriptive asexual labels, and there was a brief wave of conversation about being to young to identify as ace. One point that some of these things seem to hinge on is the definition of asexuality (or any sexual identity, for that matter) as something that lasts for one's whole life. This is especially ironic given that the "What if it's just a phase" question in AVEN's FAQ encouraged me to change the way I viewed labels. Actually, I think that in general the ace community is much, MUCH better in its view of labels than the rest of society, which is wonderful.
In my experience, there are two main reasons why I feel labels are helpful: personal understanding, and interpersonal communication. The personal part is the part that makes me feel good to have a word that describes what I am and to know that there is a community of people who feel the same. The interpersonal part is the relief of having a jumping-off point when communicating who I am to others. Asexuality is, unfortunately, a label that usually requires a lot of explanation to other people, but at least it is some sort of start.
When I came out to my mother a month ago, she expressed (well, continues to express) a worry that I would box myself in by calling myself asexual. She insisted that A) I'm too young to know for sure, and B) that I should just say that "I don't know yet." I agree that it is extremely possible that I am too young to know my sexuality "for sure," I don't think that point B would be at all more beneficial. In fact, in the environment of high school, it would almost certainly be more difficult to deal with other students by saying "I just don't know."
Many people, my mom included, dislike labels and wish people could just "be." I sympathize with this, but I also think that it is very very difficult to do this in society. But labels can be helpful. When referring to my sexuality, I could explain that I feel no sexual attraction towards other people, find people of all genders but more often women physically nice to look at, and am possibly pan- or aromantic with a dislike for a platonic/romantic/sexual axis interpretation of sexuality, but it's easier to say I am asexual and let people figure the rest out as they get to know me. Likewise, when talking about my gender identity, I could explain that I identify between female and agendered with aspects of masculinity, but it's easier to tell people to use feminine pronouns and to not refer to me a woman. Similar situations affect my racial and religious labels.
My utopia-vision desire for the world is that we didn't have to use labels, that sexuality, gender, race, religion, and other labelled things wouldn't matter as much and could be accepted as they are without needing "labels." My more realistic wish is that there be more acceptance for a "descriptor" interpretation of labels; that people would accept labels as something that describe how we are, not a box that we must fit into forever.
What I've decided to do is to continue to call myself asexual with the understanding that it is a description of how I am now, and however other people wish to interpret labels is up to them. I'm not particularly interested in finding out who I am "100% for sure" at this point. I'd be curious to hear anyone else's views on labels, if you'd like to share!
Monday, October 5, 2009
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I've actually gone through a series of rants on labels myself. At times I love them, and at times I hate them. And at other times, I find that it just depends on how people interpret the label rather than how I feel about calling myself it. For instance, I could have many labels for what I am: bi-romantic hetero-grey-asexual genderqueer androgyne, but would that really tell you anything about me? I think at a certain point, it's easy to get lost in labels or stereotypes about labels. I usually use labels with my queer friends, since they usually have a familiar discourse that allows them to understand things when I speak about my atypical sexuality/atypical gender. So I can say that I'm a bi-romantic grey-asexual or identifying as an androgyne and explain it to them once and they go... 'Ahh, I understand.' and they more or less respect it. With my heterosexual church friends, it's much more complicated. It's easier for them to just see all the elements of me naturally, recognizing that I barely have any crushes, for instance, and when I later tell them something like, 'Oh, I'm not really interested in sex,' they'll just go, 'Ahh, okay' and will leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteI think labels are important for describing yourself to the world, but that they're not all important. They can be even more confusing, the stereotypes of those labels can hide who you are, etc. But at the same time, it's better to use them if you don't want to get labeled as something you're not. For instance, asexual rather than defaulted straight, because you not straight. Or genderqueer rather than lesbian, because you don't like women. So to clear up misconceptions, they're far more useful than: "Ahh, well I prefer not to put a label on it." That just leads to people thinking that you're either entirely mad, or that you're seriously confused, and since they don't understand what you are they perscribe other labels onto you instead that you're not.
Personally, I use labels only when necessary and usually only for the sake of other people. I know that the labels don't completely fit me, but I also know that other people are completely boggled with how to take me if they don't know how I identify. So it's a matter of looking out for their sanity. I don't live my life according to my labels at all. I wish that labels weren't necessary though. They're what society judges us on, unfortunately. But sometimes it's just better to let your natural atypicality shine through.
And there's my love/hate relationship with labels. xD
I have a hate/hate relationship with labels, I think it's because I've found it alienates me from the very people I want to educate about my minority experiences. At times of my life I've prefered to simply say I "don't go to church" instead of that I'm an Athiest, that "I don't eat much meat" instead of I'm a vegetarian, and that I "date women" instead of being a lesbian. I've never been less proud to acknowledge these things that have been true about myself, but have found it's a lot easier to be an advocate for my position when I'm not armed with a one word label that has so many loaded ideas. Whether you realize it or not what you have read about me in the last few sentences has shaped the way that you're thinking of this comment, and I would prefer to keep people listening to my words instead of my labels as long as possible.
ReplyDeleteAs for labels helping me know about myself, I have also found that the more I learn about myself the more I realized I will never understand it all. If labels are really the best thing to use to embrace our personalities, then that means we are pre-programmed to a single life and that free will and future chance occurances will have no affect on us. I learn something new about the world every day, which means I change a little every day too, how can I really be all these labels? If I thought I was straight once, I could just as easily be straight again one day, so it's simply more accurate to describe only my current habits and keep learning as I go along.