I'll probably make a post about how I figured out that I'm ace, but first I want to get this down before so much time has passed that I can't remember it clearly. (Not to mention the fact that the story of how I figured out my sexuality is weirdly vague and scientific at the same time.)
I've come out to two people now, both of whom are close friends. The first person I came out to was when I still only kind of had a grasp on my sexuality, and I felt comfortable doing this largely because I already knew she was bisexual. I came out via gmail conversation, and I can't recall if I used the word asexual or not. Mainly I just told her, "I don't really know what I am. I don't like anybody, so how am I supposed to figure it out!" After that I slowly started identifying as asexual more and more, and I didn't really have to explain it to her again, I just acted "out" and was honest and she seemed to understand. (And really, when a teenage girl has to ask, "Wait, when you see a cute girl you really feel butterflies in your stomach? It's not just a phrase?" that's proof enough of asexuality.)
Coming out to the second person was much, much more awkward. Whereas my friend from above (let's call her K) often had conversations with me about asexuality, my other friend M has pretty much a "don't talk about it" policy. It's not that she's not accepting, she'd just rather not think about it. Anyway, I was hanging out with her and some other people and I kept chickening out about telling them. So when we starting sitting around my computer, I decided to minimize the screens, which had the labels "Asexual Explorations" and "Apositive," in some stupid, stupid hope that she'd get it or something. Honestly at this point I'm not sure what I was thinking.
She finally pointed it out, saying "Asexual? What's that? Are you trying to learn to pop off your finger and grow another one?" teasingly. At which point I was sitting there quietly going, "Stupidstupidstupidstupid." And then she finally got that I wasn't sure what to do and backtracked and was all, "Hey, I'm sorry, if you don't want to talk about it," and I tried to explain that I just hadn't prepared for how to explain, and conversation went on, eventually less awkward. Much later, I managed to bring it up again (by apologizing for making it awkward) and explained asexuality and the fact that I'm ace, etc. She sort of reacted like, "Okay. I mean, it doesn't really make a difference."
And she's right, in a way, because my friends aren't really the type of people who are into the dating scene or anything like that. I'm glad she didn't reject it, but I don't feel like she totally gets it. (Sidenote: this is exactly what K said to me when she came out as bi, that she felt M and some others didn't really fully grasp that she "also likes girls and may one day have a girlfriend.")
What I take away from this experience is that it is not a good idea to come out if you're not positive that you can explain what asexuality is and how it relates to you. I have this renewed sense of wanting to be out to my friends, and I rushed into it and did it thoughtlessly. I also learned that I can't think of a not-extremely-awkward way to explain asexuality to teenagers who are not particularly sexual or romantically active. Once you're twenty, people expect that you're sexual. At sixteen, there's much less of a way for other people to understand it. If anyone has help for how to explain it, I'd love to hear.
Monday, August 17, 2009
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Why bisexuals are more understanding and supportive with asexuality? I was so in my case, and it seems to be a rule, reading some AVEN threads.
ReplyDeleteI don't come out to people all that often, and one of the reasons is that I don't want to have to explain asexuality. I feel kind of awkward talking about it unless it's in a really abstract way. Even when talking to my brother about asexuality,, I feel weird saying the word "asexual." I don't know, I just don't like saying it.
ReplyDeleteBut this seems weird to me because I have absolutely no problem writing about asexuality. I've referred people to by blog instead of having to explain things in person, and I know that I'm not the only ace blogger to have done that. Also, you could refer people to AVEN or the Wikipedia article on asexuality if you don't feel comfortable explaining asexuality yourself. Maybe you could email people links?
I look forward to reading your blog!
Isaac - If I had to take a guess about bisexual support, I'd guess it's because they face erasure similar to asexuals. My friend, at least, said that since she knows how it feels to experience pressure from both sides, she can't even imagine what it's like having virtually *everyone* saying you don't exist.
ReplyDeletePretzelboy - That's pretty much exactly how I feel. When I came out to M, it was so strange using the word "asexual," particularly because I don't think I'd ever used it before. I am a much more writing-based person, so maybe I'll do something like that. Thanks for the suggestions!
In my experience with coming out as bi (although now I'm identifying as ace), anticlimactic responses are to be expected. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or even necessarily that your unreceptive friend is just blocking you out. Some people just don't start making sweeping excited connections to all kinds of things about social roles and personal identity and prejudice you might face and so on.
ReplyDeleteI think the written communication idea is a good one, but that doesn't mean you can't converse about ace-related topics that the person might connect to: prejudice, pop cultural portrayal of sexuality, pressure, the process of questioning, alternate ways of loving and living a fulfilling life, and so on. It's just that although many of these topics are inherent to your identity as an asexual, they aren't inherent to "coming out"--the main goal of which is to let people know that, hey, you're asexual, and tell them what that means if they've never heard the word before.
We always *want* that coming out discussion to turn to at least one of the aspects of asexuality that really makes it an *identity* to us, but if that doesn't happen, there are other times. Some people even after being linked to good reading material might not see all the meaning that goes into the one word "asexual"--they'll see the definition of the word, but not what it means to someone living it. But if they're friends or family, there will certainly be times when you can discuss and show them what being asexual means to you. "Coming out" is just as useful if it sets the stage for later discussions as in the cases where you have a heartfelt discussion immediately.
Or at least, that my own ideal version of how I'd deal with anticlimactic coming-out events. ;)