Another Dear Friends: Trans 101

All right, I wasn't expecting to do this, but I'm taking a detour into the deeply personal again in order to explain some things about myself that I think people should know. It's pretty basic trans 101 mixed in with personal issues. Mostly this is aimed at my real-life friends, who I really owe a better explanation to.

So, some of you guys know this. Some of you probably know hints of it. Basically, I'm transgender; more specifically, genderqueer. I'm not a girl, I'm not a guy, I'm something else entirely, regardless of the physical sex I was assigned at birth. Biologically and genetically I have an assigned sex, the thing that determines my bits and pieces, but the gender that I identify as, the gender in my brain and the part of me that makes me myself, is a different one than my assigned sex. That is what being transgender means, though it can include other people as well; the opposite of transgender is cisgender: when your gender and your sex match up.

It's kind of been hell for me to come to terms with. My actual gender, in the nitty-gritty, is what's sometimes called "neutrois," which I can't pronounce, meaning neutral or null-gendered. I also have what you might call "moods," where I feel more male or more female. It's all very difficult to explain, which is why I just use the word "genderqueer." There are some political associations with that word, which I don't exactly like because I'm not trying to be "rebellious" or "challenging" by my gender, it's just who I am. I have nothing against those who are trying to challenge the gender binary, but I do not personally consider that to be a primary characteristic of my gender.

The more important thing than the tiny details, however, is how this affects my life. For you guys, my friends, what I ask is that you try your hardest to remember that I'm genderqueer and trans. I'm still me, just a little more open and less confused (maybe). Try as hard as you can to remember to call me Kai. I wish that there were common use gender-neutral pronouns, but since I don't really think I like ze/sie/ey or any others at this point, for safety I'd prefer to keep the "she/her" pronouns, and "they" in writing. But please don't refer to me as a girl or a woman or anything like that, because I'm not.

Being trans has a pretty huge effect on people's lives. Bathrooms, for instance, are something that I hate to think about. At this point, my physical presentation doesn't warrant any concerns, but having to use sex-segregated bathrooms is miserable, and I spend a significant amount of time planning to avoid them. Having to fill out applications that only offer male/female as choices for sex or gender, and listening to everybody everywhere conflating the two. Feeling like my mind and my body belong to two completely different people. Hearing people talk about the "opposite" sex and the differences between men and women and wondering where I fit into all of that.

This is a lot of stuff to deal with. It's probably pretty crazy if you don't know much about transgender issues. So I'm gonna link some stuff, and I'd like you to read at least the first link. If you have questions, feel free to ask me. There's no way I'd be able to get everything jammed into one post here. Some stuff to get you started...

Transwhat? - A really, really useful overview on trans stuff and what you can do to be an ally.
T-Vox Trans 101 - A wiki with gender info and basic question.
Debunkingcis - A livejournal community dedicated to working through cisgendered privilege.
Genderfork - A blog with pretty pictures and examples of other genderqueer and trans individuals.